Underflaps

This is a blog about being an Ultra Processed Person with obesity, and, hopefully, how I sort that out. 

Inspired by a recent read:  Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food ... and Why Can't We Stop? Dr Chris Van Tulleken. One of the twin doctors. I'm a bit of a fan...

My name is Donna and I have many parts of the body that human women shouldn't have as well as missing a couple of bits we should.

Let's go with the missing bits first:

1. Womb

2. Ovaries

3. Cervix

4. Most of the thyroid. Well it's there but it's shit.

I did used to have these things but my body is very typically my own body. You know the saying "your own worst enemy"?  You can go round being an über perfectionist, making things really bad for yourself and then you stress yourself out, give yourself more problems? Well, my body literally gave me more problems. 

Four years ago I grew a one stone 'fake baby' uterine tumour (extremely rare, extremely weird). That took most of my bits after the literal lifesaving surgery. Not going into the extremely gross yet hilarious detail of that because there's already a comedy show where I do just that. Of course there is. In fact, lots of bodily material gave me enough for two shows...

 Show one about the discovery that I was a medical anomaly was Weird Sense of Tumour (oh yes, so proud of that title). 

Show two is Badger and that's about my recovery and bounce back, and my determination to just be me. Next time you can see that is July 15th at Buxton Fringe at Bailey's Restaurant, 9pm. 

Who knows maybe this blog will be a show one day? Oh gawd...

The wonky thyroid is the result of battling Covid in 2021. My immune system had a bit of a virus focused killing frenzy and basically carried on killing stuff when the virus was defeated including my thyroid which got a Tyson Fury type battering. It ain't coming back so I get free daily meds for life now and I have to avoid certain things in my diet at certain times of day which is a bugger.  Also another good reason for doing what this blog is about...

Anyway, on to the extra bits.

1. A mahoosive scar. After reading the above this should not be a surprise. But the scar didn't help with feeling defeated about my weight gain. 

2. A horseshoe kidney. They're upside down and joined oh so slightly in the middle. It's fine like that. Carry on!

3. A very hairy small of the back. I mean Very Hairy. I think most of my family has the weird hair patch, but most of them have it between the shoulder blades. I kind of like it actually. 

4. A dimple where I used to have another flap of skin that I tore very painfully in my early twenties that basically looked like another hole. I didn't know I had this for many years until such a time as you can well imagine where I might be naked in front of people who had sight of this anomaly and... er, very awkwardly asked me about it. I in turn spoke to my mom (later, she was not present) who told me, yeah, I had possessed this weird thing all my life and "I thought you knew." How? How, Mom? Not that I could have done much about it, but some advance warning might have been nice. No, I'm not writing a show about it. I know another comedian who had similar who already wrote a very funny show about his extra flap - Joe Bor! Now a multi-award winning filmmaker. Check out his film about Ian Cognito on Prime. 

5. Webbed toes. After some toe trouble I went to the chiropodist who told me, "Oh did you know you have webbed toes? Only a lot of people don't realize." Thanks, lady! Total opposite of my mom in terms of providing useful information, and no, I hadn't realized. I just thought it was normal to not be able to wear flip flops. 

I told my husband and said, "I have horseshoe kidneys, I grew a one stone tumour and now I have webbed toes. Tell me, am I a freak?"

He said, "Well, if it walks like a duck..."

6. A very small apron. No, I am not a waiter at Nandos. This is the horrible term given to the belly fat that has grown on from being muffin and spilled back over. I used to love my round belly. Just right for balancing a cup of tea on, my tea hill. It now has an element of underflap to it. What geographic term now applies? 

Look out! Cliff!

So this is where I am. Roughly 85kg heavy, and the same height as Kylie. I'm like at least two Kylies. I do feel a bit better with myself today though as I've been on holiday where I have done lots of swimming, a fair bit of walking and eaten lovely things. 

Me on Saturday watching the sunset in San Antonio, Ibiza.

What I am saying is, my body is weird. I'm nearly 50 and I am essentially hormonal astroturf. Everyone is different. Everyone needs to do their own thing. I have struggled with overweight for over a decade but I have really been having problems since Covid, like many of us. But perhaps you want to follow me... Maybe even join me?

So happy Bank Holiday everyone. I hope you have a great day. I'm going cold turkey on UPF and I think it will be hard, but I am also looking forward to it.